Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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