Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
