just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
