If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
