Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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