I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
