just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
