remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you traded sex for a burrito?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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