I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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