Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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