I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
