My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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