You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
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