So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
