one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
