A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
