I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
This house was built for laser tag.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
