after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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