You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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