you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
