where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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