Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
