Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You're breaking my sexual little heart
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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