I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
