Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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