I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
