make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
