got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
