the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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