drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
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my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
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Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize