U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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