I can tuck mytits in my pants
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
