my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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