The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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