gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
