sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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