she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
