and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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