no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
