I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
