I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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