he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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