Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
