i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
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I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
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You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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