you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
