Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
that is very illegal...i love you.
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