I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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