How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
