Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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