oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
