woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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