woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
