she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
