I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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