hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
