I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
