I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
