Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
