I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
